I Don't Know Where My Soul Is
by Kathey27
Summary: She keeps running and he just keeps chasing. / Or, "What are you doing Oliver?" She asks tiredly, leaning against her doorframe because she is tired and she doesn't have time to try and be unbroken for him. "Getting to know the new Cat." He reaches forward and grasps a strand of hair. "I like the color." She lets the lie slip and allows him inside.


**A/N: I usually don't post two one-shots back to back like this but I've been bitten by the Bat bug and I can't seem to stop writing them!**

**Another angsty one, because really, that's all I know.**

**OH! BIG THING! The separate sections in **_**italics**_** are set in the future. Remember that please.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned anything, Cat and Beck would be making out in janitor closets every single episode. But I own nada so…yeah…**

**xxxxxx**

"I wish I knew how to quit you."

- Annie Proulx, _Brokeback Mountain_**  
**

**xxxxxx**

**i don't know where my soul is (i don't know where my home is):**

(It's not long before he becomes all that she knows.

She _drowns_ in him, becomes _consumed_ in him. Breathes in all that he is.

Nothing else matters and nothing else can touch her. Which is a pretty good thing considering he's all that's left).

xxxxxx

_Tell me I'm beautiful._

_You're beautiful._

_How beautiful?_

_As beautiful as all the stars and skies and galaxies._

…_That's a lot of beautiful._

_I know._

xxxxxx

It was never supposed to end this way, with her pressed against dirty walls in cold alleys, a stranger's greedy breath hanging over her and foreign fingers invading her but high school's over now and there's no one around to fix things for her.

No one left to save her.

xxxxxx

_I wish you wouldn't look at me._

_Why not?_

_I don't like what I see in your eyes._

_Oh yeah? What's that?_

…_Forgiveness._

xxxxxx

After Hollywood Arts, after she runs, after she loses Broadway ("nice but there's better"), after she fails auditions ("cute but not the best"), after she loses _herself_ it starts.

After it all, she turns to other means, other ways to get that high that's only really achieved through a roaring crowd and brilliant smiles.

She turns to quick cash and muffled screams pressed against the shoulders of rich married men looking for a thrill. She turns to selling herself and dancing for drunken crowds and having her name become a headliner in a club that only the desperate, lonely or broken visit.

She soon forgets about rainbows and kittens and _lucky as cheese_. This is the real world, and in the real world, there's no room for any of that.

xxxxxx

_You don't have to hide from me._

_I –_

_It's okay. I know who you are._

xxxxxx

There are no mirrors in her apartment.

In place of where they used to be, where the walls are now caved in, lie shot glasses.

Every time she passes by one, she pauses, remembers what had once been there, what she'd once seen looking in and grabs a bottle.

xxxxxx

_How did you find me? Were you looking for me?_

_Oh Valentine…I'll always find you._

xxxxxx

It happens while she's out with a regular and her neck's being molested with spit and really, it's a total show of how much the universe hates her that he's the first thing she spots when her eyes open, mid moan.

She's not sure for a moment, almost doesn't recognize him in the dim lighting but it's most definitely him.

Same wild, sexy hair, same smoldering brown eyes, same calm smirk.

And just like that she's back in time, back to high school and puppets and monster make up and waxed eyebrows and Jupiter boots and RVs and invisible.

He seems to recognize her too because the next thing she knows he's smiling her way and moving towards her, determination set in his features.

So she does what she knows best, the only thing she knows how to do these days besides sell herself; she runs.

xxxxxx

_Tell me you want me._

_I want you._

_How much?_

_All the time._

xxxxxx

Her answering machine has ten missed calls when she gets back.

"_Cat, look, it's okay. You can come home now honey, you can come back and – "_

_Nine new messages._

"_Cat, I don't – I don't even know if this is really your number, I had some weirdo techy guy try and find you but if it's you please, call me. Visit me. Do something to let me know – "_

_Eight new messages._

_Eight messages deleted._

She goes to sleep on her kitchen floor.

xxxxxx

_Jade found me, for a while anyways, after you did._

_Why did you run from us?_

_I don't know._

_We would have saved you._

…_I didn't need any saving._

xxxxxx

She moves the next day, all the way across town and the name on the lease is Jade Shapiro (because if she's being really honest with herself, they're probably the only ones with the power to bring her back) because if she's being really honest with herself, no one will find her this way.

(She smashes all the mirrors and caves in the walls).

xxxxxx

_I was lost for a really long time…why'd you find me?_

_That's my job, isn't it? You fix, I find._

xxxxxx

He finds her again a week later and she's make up free with limp brown hair and sad eyes and she should have known he'd be the first one.

"Cat…"

"…Beck."

xxxxxx

_I wish you'd let me drown._

_I'll let you, long as I'm besides you._

xxxxxx

She lets him come upstairs because what else can she do? Pretend she doesn't see him?

(which used to work just fine, back when she was red and he was with her best friend and she was with robbie and _totalcompletetaboo_).

She speaks first, palms pressed tightly against her kitchen counter. "Did Robbie send you?"

Silence.

"Because I'm not going back."

"…No one said you had to."

She hesitates before offering him a cup of coffee.

xxxxxx

_I was never supposed to be this way. I –_

_You don't owe me anything. It's alright._

xxxxxx

She's not sure how she feels about him showing up at her place the next morning because all it does it bring back flashes of Jewish Afros and soft kisses and _i'll always love you._

"What are you doing Oliver?" She asks tiredly, leaning against her doorframe because she is tired and she doesn't have time to try and be unbroken for him.

"Getting to know the new Cat." He reaches forward and grasps a strand of hair. "I like the color."

She lets the lie slip and allows him inside.

xxxxxx

_I used to dream you'd find me._

_Me? Specifically?_

_Are you that surprised?_

xxxxxx

It happens again for the next six days and by the tenth visit, she starts leaving her door unlocked. It doesn't matter; no one else visits her anyways.

"That man, he wasn't your boyfriend, was he?"

She takes another spoonful of her Lucky Charms and shrugs.

"Yeah…I didn't think so."

"What do you want from me Beck?" Exasperation leaks in and coats her all over.

Instead of answering, he glances into her bowl, smirks and asks, "You still make wishes on those?"

"Yes." _No._

xxxxxx

_Robbie was devastated after you left._

…_Was he broken?_

_Yes._

…_I didn't want to break him._

xxxxxx

He becomes a daily thing. After they eat breakfast and blather on about nothing they roam around New York and eat Pizza Hut and share cheese sticks and go to the park and stare at clouds.

He doesn't mention how broken she obviously is, with her plain nails and sneakers and jeans and brown hair.

She doesn't mention how lost he obviously is, with his wind blown hair and searching eyes and ring-less hands and '64 Impala.

xxxxxx

_You fixed me._

_Isn't that what you didn't want?_

…_You're very persuasive._

xxxxxx

She leans into his side, gummy bears in hand and smiles at the screen.

"Only you would smile at a Sam Raimi movie."

Her only response to this is a shrug.

The past two months have been okay; neither mentions high school and the others or how she gets up at random times to go to "work" or how he's basically moved into her apartment or how this is all going to end (badly) somehow.

"You can't fix me." She says this as the movie's ending and he's offering her a hand to stand.

The smile he gives her is slightly (completely) broken. "Who says I'm trying?"

"Robbie tried." _He failed. Horribly._

"…I know." The smile stays.

She clasps his hand.

xxxxxx

_I don't know how to go back to that._

_No one's asking you to._

xxxxxx

He takes her to the Bronx Zoo three weeks later and they spend all day there and get lost three times and they see the polar bears and the lions and the butterflies and he buys her over priced fries and a blue monkey hat.

(She stores the hat in the back of her closet, besides the Jupiter boots and purple giraffe).

xxxxxx

_This is quite the mess we've got going on here._

_We wouldn't be us if it wasn't a mess._

…_How can you even touch me?_

_I could ask the same._

xxxxxx

She doesn't mind when she finds his jacket on her floor. Just stares at it for a while before she's touching it and remembering summers in the RV with the gang and vanilla cones and Robbie's clammy hands and the beach and plays and all that she gave up.

She cancels their movie night.

xxxxxx

_I like it when you touch me there._

_Where?_

Giggle. _Everywhere._

xxxxxx

The next time she's with a client all she can hear is his voice; all she can feel is his touch.

She pushes it all back and gives herself over, like always.

(She makes two thousand that night).

xxxxxx

_I'm sorry about the scars._

_Not about how I got them?_

_Do you want me to be?_

…_No._

xxxxxx

"Get the fuck out." She adds force behind the demand with a slap over the head. He glances up from his seat on the couch and frowns. "I can't work with you around, I can't – "

"Since when do you curse?"

"I grew up Beck! Something you obviously haven't done!"

"What is that – "

"How many times have you ignored Jade's calls? You really think I don't notice? And who the hell said you could move in?"

"Like you have the right to talk. Running away and moving out here and changing your hair and – "

"Grow up Beck! This isn't high school anymore!" She growls and moves away, throwing her coat onto her bedroom floor because if she listens to him any longer she will burst. All his words do is remind her of what she lost, or whom she used to be and she can't go back (pleasepleasepleasedon'tmakeher).

"What happened to you? You and Robbie, man, we were placing bets on the wedding date."

She presses her hand to her lips to keep the sob down. Leans against the wall and remembers sticky summer nights and awkward hands and puppy love blooming into real love and warm eyes and promises of forevers and happy endings and –

"I grew up Beck." Is all she can offer.

"He still loves you."

"Get out. This isn't your home." _You're not my home._

He takes the spare key.

xxxxxx

_If I could, I'd rename all the stars after you._

_Oh really?_

_Yeah, I think it'd be kind of beautifully romantic, don't you?_

xxxxxx

The next time Jade calls (the next time Jade finds her), she picks up.

"_Cat? Is that you?"_

"…J-Jade?" She hates how small and redheaded her voice sounds.

xxxxxx

_It was always going to end with us, you know that right?_

_Really now?_

_Yeah, don't you remember sixth grade?_

_Enlighten me._

_Your very first words to me were, _I'm going to keep you.

_I was a kid._

_You were right._

xxxxxx

She starts to ignore her clients' calls.

She repaints her bedroom ceiling peach and cries into a slice of red velvet cake.

xxxxxx

_Let me help you believe in rainbows again._

xxxxxx

She has lunch with Jade a week into the fight.

The once goth is back to her natural brown hair and pale skin and there are no more piercings or highlights and she looks…happy (and whole and found).

"We miss you."

She takes a sip of her coffee. "…What did you call for?"

Jade presses her lips together. "André and Tori are getting married next year."

"…Good for them."

Jade leans in closer, eyes her once best friend and smiles. "Can I get a gum drop?"

"No."

The smile fades as she leans back into her seat. "Where's my Cat?"

Instead of answering and remembering she deflects. "I've seen Beck."

It's Jade's turn to keep quiet.

"He's been doing good."

"…You should call Robbie."

As Jade runs out, she reaches over and steals the leftover fries.

xxxxxx

_I missed you. All the time._

_What are you talking about? I was invisible._

_Cat, you were anything but._

xxxxxx

She finds him at his place and he leans into his doorframe for a second before letting her in.

"Jade called me. I picked up." _Your turn._

She doesn't respond, simply runs her fingers over the pictures decorating his living room wall. There are no frames, just Polaroid snap shots of high school and plays and college and the gang and she's missing in a lot of them.

"What are you doing Beck?" She asks because she can't be their Cat anymore, can't plaster on a smile and pretend it's all okay and bounce around. The pills take care of (most of) those urges now.

"Why did you leave?" _Why'd you run from me?_

"Why'd you follow?" _What took you so long to find me?_

"Robbie needed you. He looked all over, dropped out of college for a year, drank a lot and – "

"Beck?"

"Hmm?"

"…What's her name?"

He smirks lightly and shakes his head. She raises an eyebrow in response because yes, even after all these years, she can still see right through him. "…Elisabeth. The wedding's in six months."

She leans against his counter and offers him a tightlipped smile. "I figured. Robbie was always meant for more than the bipolar wacko."

"He would have married you."

"Who says I would have said yes?"

The look he offers in response lets her know that he can still see right through her as well. "Yeah well, I always figured you were meant for more than…whatever it is you do."

She tightens her arms around herself, shame filling her for the first time in a long while. "You know exactly what I do."

"Cat – "

She knows she won't like what he's going to say next so she does the second thing she's best at, she walks forward and kisses him.

xxxxxx

_When were you going to tell me?_

_As soon as I was done fixing you._

_I wasn't broken._

_You have no idea how broken you were._

_Well you have no idea how lost you are._

_Touché._

xxxxxx

He traces the scars on her shoulder blades softly, runs his fingers over them, presses butterfly kisses to the skin there.

"Are these – "

"My brother…he didn't mean to." Remembers blood and screams and pain and car keys in her hand and clinics and asylums and rings and _wouldn't it be easier to run away and never come back?_

"Jade visits him, sometimes."

She smiles in the pillow beneath her. "Good, he always liked her."

"Cat – "

"Why'd you leave her?"

"…Why'd you leave him?"

"He had plans I didn't."

"…She left me."

She rolls over and kisses away both their pain.

xxxxxx

_You could have come to me._

…_They would have found me there._

_I would have kept you safe._

xxxxxx

They go back to her apartment and it's two in the morning and there are still memories flooding her head and his touch only serves to intensify them.

She pushes him against the couch and presses a feather kiss to his collarbone before sighing and asking him, "Wanna go to the store with me?"

xxxxxx

_I like your hair better this way._

_You don't do brunettes anymore?_

…_No._

xxxxxx

They buy three boxes of magenta red hair dye.

They stay up all night (fixing) doing her hair.

xxxxxx

_It's okay. I'm not going anywhere._

_You pinky swear?_

_I pinky swear._

xxxxxx

"Cat?"

She turns her head to glance back at him. "Yeah."

He traces the butterfly tattoo at the base of her neck. "I grew up too."

xxxxxx

_Twinkle, twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are._

_I thought you grew up._

_I did…but I'm still me. Somewhere._

xxxxxx

She's sharing her vanilla ice cream with him when he asks.

"Do you still…?"

"What answer would you like?"

"…Come back home with me."

She answers with a harsh kiss.

xxxxxx

_I'm not the same._

_I've only ever known one Cat Valentine._

_Beck –_

_I think she's still pretty great._

xxxxxx

While he sleeps she finds herself glaring at the shot glass before her, desperate for an answer, for some way out because this…this was never part of the plan. She ran away from California and the gang and her family and all the pain and him. She can't go back, she doesn't fit there anymore, she's no longer smiles and sparkles and she cannot lose herself in him. She's not strong enough for this.

(He's already all that she knows).

xxxxxx

_Tell me you'll stay._

_I'll stay._

_For how long?_

_As long as you'll keep me._

xxxxxx

"Sing for me." He asks, hands buried in her hair and face pressed against the hard wood floor.

She reaches for his face and whispers a forgotten lullaby against his lips.

xxxxxx

_Are you going to call your parents?_

…_They don't need to know. Not yet._

xxxxxx

She checks her messages while he's in the shower.

_Seven new messages._

"_Cat, call me."_

_Six new messages._

"_Sweetie, we miss you. Your brother misses you. You didn't have to run, we're only trying to help you."_

She sighs. _Five new messages._

"…_Cat? It's me, Robbie…Look, I didn't want anyone else to – I wanted to be the first one to…just call me. Jade has my number. I know she found you and, just, call me."_

_Five messages deleted._

She joins him in the shower.

xxxxxx

_I bet she's beautiful._

…_She is._

_Good…Robbie deserves beautiful._

xxxxxx

She shows him her dozens of pill bottles and prescriptions and tells him about the mirrors and describes all the ways she's been used.

He smirks and rubs his hands over his wrists. "I know you've seen the scars."

She touches her hips faintly, almost instinctively. "Your shame is my shame."

(She quits her job at the club).

xxxxxx

_It's okay you know, I'm broken too._

_Not like I am._

_Want to bet?_

xxxxxx

"I don't like what you do to me."

He smirks and picks up one of the shot glasses. "I'm not that thrilled about you either."

"…How'd you find me?" Because she has to know, has been dying to know.

"I'll always find you."

xxxxxx

_Wanna count the scars on me?_

_Only if you'll count mine._

xxxxxx

Jade comes over for breakfast one morning and spots his jacket.

"How long?"

She swallows her toast. "A while." _Four months and one week._

Jade nods and peers down at her coffee mug. "…Are you coming to the wedding?"

She steals the mug and downs the coffee. It burns.

xxxxxx

_Did you know, right before I ran, my mom wanted to put me into a hospital._

…

_For study. The pills were getting expensive and I was babbling more and she wanted to fix me._

_You don't need fixing._

_I thought I was broken._

_Not anymore you're not._

xxxxxx

She gets a job at a bookstore and spends an hour rereading her favorite bedtime stories. (She laughs for the first time in years).

She goes back the apartment to find him watching Drake and Josh.

She leans against him, takes a breath and says, "He was going to ask me to marry him."

The television gets muted.

"I found the ring under Rex's pillow."

"You would have said yes."

"…Maybe."

xxxxxx

_Would you buy me the stars?_

_Right along with the moon._

_Not the sun?_

_It'd only get jealous of you._

xxxxxx

She wakes up one month later and doesn't recognize her apartment. The walls are peach and green and there are boots by her heels and two toothbrushes and pop tarts and bacon in her fridge along with eggs and there are six Full House episodes saved on her DVR and the only numbers on her phone now are his and Jade's and there are mirrors lying around and there are less shot glasses and there are two stuffed animals on the couch.

When the panic starts to set in and the thoughts begin to race (_need to get out I can't stay no I'll only break him I'm not good enough for anyone and this is too much too soon and I can't do this and I don't deserve him_) she glances down at his wrists and presses herself to his bare back.

(She can do this).

xxxxxx

_You make me feel…clean._

_I didn't do anything._

_Yeah, you did._

xxxxxx

She comes back from the bookstore with two plane tickets in her hands.

He kisses her cheeks and holds her close.

She pushes down the barely there anymore panic and leans in closer, relishing in his warmth.

xxxxxx

_Tell me you love me._

_I love you._

_How much?_

_How much would you like?_

_As wide as the oceans and seas, higher than the highest stars, longer than the greatest rainbow._

_I love you that much._


End file.
